Warning: Big Bum is Immiment

Originally Printed in the London Paper, 11th March 2009

If you’re feeling guilty that we’re barely two months into 2009 but your New Year’s resolution is already a vague and distant memory then you should take comfort in the knowledge that this is traditionally the time of year when the government’s annual attempt to get the British public to lead healthier lives also fizzles out in cloud of disinterest. Each year it seems that the finest minds in Whitehall spend months racking their brains and then end up doing the same thing they do every year, namely producing a series of annoying TV ads and posters at bus stops that politely ask us to be healthier without offering any real incentive or assistance. Judging by this year’s efforts they have once again squandered a budget running to several hundred pounds so I’d like to offer the following suggestions of how they should spend next year's money if they really want to improve the nation's health...

First, if packs of cigarettes can carry health warnings and pictures of their effect on your health then why can’t fast food do the same? Hamburgers could come in wrappers saying ‘WARNING: EATING THIS CAN LEAD TO YOU DEVELOPING HEART DISEASE, CANCER AND A BIG, FAT, SAGGY ARSE’. This could be accompanied by a picture of a diseased heart, congested arteries or (as I suspect would be more effective) a big, fat, saggy arse.

Second, the number of smokers could be massively reduced with two simple TV adverts. The first would target young people who think smoking is cool by featuring uncool celebrities such as Cliff Richard and Anthea Turner praising the habit (possibly whilst enjoying a post-coital smoke together) and telling viewers that they can be as cool as them by smoking, and the second would be run during the break in the Jeremy Kyle Show and feature Gary Glitter lighting up whilst smiling knowlingly at the audience, guaranteeing a massive drop in smokers of a tabloid reading nature. With these two cheap but effective adverts a huge burden on the NHS would be lifted overnight.

My third idea is perhaps the most controversial: instead of launching another inane ad campaign the government could do something really outrageous like subsidizing leisure centres to the extent that it's not more expensive to go for a swim than it is to stuff your face in McDonald's. But that really is a crazy idea, isn't it?